How to Win Friends and Influence People in the Digital Age

Author Dale Carnegie was a master of influence. He understood that every human is hardwired for self-preservation. This instinct has served us well since humankind first walked the Earth, by helping us survive. But with it comes the tendency to be defensive when we feel attacked, and that includes attacks on our ego.

This is why you can’t change someone’s opinion by condemning or criticizing them. As soon as you show disapproval, either through words or body language, the other party will either shut down, or return fire. And once that happens, you’ll never be able to persuade them to change their position. That means you’ll lose any chance of influencing them.

Carnegie understood this, so he consciously adopted the three principles that start with the letter c to help him avoid this problem. He never condemned others, never criticized them, and he never complained. And while Carnegie’s life played out before the digital age had begun, these principles would have served him well today, in a time when we can reach larger audiences at lightning speed and with minimal cost via tools like social media.

Many people see social media as a platform for influencing others, but they go about using it in the wrong way. Look at the comments section of any blog post or article about a contentious issue, and you’ll find opposing parties slinging mud at each other. All this does is polarize the parties further, with each reinforcing their defenses because they’re being attacked. So if you want to prove a point or change someone else’s view, the first thing you need to do is change your own behavior.

Start by seeing social media as an opportunity to encourage others to care about the causes you’re passionate about, rather than a vehicle to express frustration, objection, or anger. But make sure you don’t spout dogma about your cause, or people will start filtering you out. After all, there’s no shortage of alternate content online.

Next, learn to exercise restraint. When you come across content that makes you feel triggered or reactive, resist the urge to respond for at least five minutes. This will give you the time and space you need to calm down. Once you’re calm, you can ground yourself back in Carnegie’s three c rules and approach the situation without anger.